Saturday, December 20, 2014

Say whaaaaaaa..........

I think William Shakespeare may have said it best, "listen to many, speak to few."

Most days I try to embody this, and just keep my mouth shut.  Yeah, I know what you're thinking, so shut it.  I can, actually, keep my thoughts to myself.  I do it all the timeI do it a lotI do it frequentlyI do it occasionally.  I do actually try to do it.

I'm not perfect, as I'm sure we're all already aware.  But, I do try.

Have you ever wished you could have just one solid day where you could say all the things you really wanted to say, without consequence???  I do, and I've given it a little thought.  I've mulled things over and the following is a compellation of some of the things I'd say if a genie were to grant me the aforementioned wish.

*please don't judge me...*

*also, please be warned, there is a fair amount of swearing*

*please don't judge me for being a potty mouth*

  1. What I actually said: "No, that doesn't look bad!"

    What I should have said: "If you are going to wear that when we go out, I'm going to need to drink vast amounts of alcohol because that thing is making my soul burn.  So, I either need to be drunk to dull the pain, or we need to kill that thing with fire."
  2. What I actually said:  "No, take your time and pay me back whenever you can!"

    What I should have said:  "No, it's really not ok that you haven't paid me back after ALL this time.  But, you clearly need that money way worse than I do.  Heck, I think there's still a video game you don't already own.  Please, see to buying that game before you get around to making me whole.  No rush, I obviously don't need it.  Neither does my landlord..."
  3. What I actually said: "I'm only 39."

    What I should have said:  "Fuck you, I AM only 39.  This is what 39 looks like after four kids and two bad marriages.  I'm rocking it!"
  4. What I actually said:  "Sorry, I have a few coupons..."

    What I should have said:  "Yes, I have coupons.  Oh, you don't like that?  Guess what, it doesn't matter if you like it.  You get paid the same amount whether you're scanning groceries or coupons.  Yes, I've worked retail, I totally understand that they're sometimes a pain.  But here's the thing, I am doing my best to be fiscally responsible with our food stamps and make them last longer.  Would you rather I was flippant with them, and just ran around spending them all at the corner store on Slim Jims and Cheetos Puffs???" 
  5. What I actually said:  "You can have the last cookie."

    What I should have said:  "If you even attempt to touch that last cookie, I will rip your arm off and beat you about the head with your own arm.  Feeling lucky???  Then go for it."
  6. What I actually said:  "No, what you said didn't hurt my feelings."

    What I should have said:  "Yes that hurt my fucking feelings you fucking asshole!  What the fuck did you fucking think was going to happen when fucking said that???  Geez, get a fucking clue!"
  7. What I actually said:  "No, I'm not on my period!"

    What I should have said:  "Do you really think it's wise to poke the bear like that?  IF I'm on my period, would you really want to risk pissing me off by asking me that???  Seriously?"
  8. What I actually said:  "Would you please just do what I asked???"

    What I should have said:  "Oh my ever loving God.  If you don't shut the eff up and do what I asked, I am going to completely lose my shit.  PLEASE just do it!!!"
  9. What I actually said:  "I hate all skinny bitches."

    What I should have said:  "I hate being so damn fat."
  10. What I actually said:  "No, I'm too sick to come into work. *cough cough*"

    What I should have said:  "Sorry boss, but today there is a bomb ass Twilight Zone marathon on t.v. and it only happens like 9 times a year.  So, I'm sure you can understand my not wanting to miss it!  Right?!"
  11. What I actually said:  "Sure, I'd love to be your partner for this project!"

    What I should have said:  "Hell nah I don't want to be your partner for this project!  Dude!  You've missed 60% of the classes, you're always late, and I've never once seen you turn in a single assignment.  Why in the fuck would I want to be your partner???  But, since I was late for class today and all the other 'desirable' partners are already taken, I guess I'm stuck with you.  Huzzah."
  12. What I actually said:  "Could  you please try and aim better???"

    What I should have said:  "Dude.  Do you have any idea how tired I am of wiping pee up off the floor after every time you use the bathroom?  Dude.  C'mon.  You can actually aim that thing and it's not like the toilet bowl is a small target.  STOP PEEING ON MY FLOOR!!!!"
  13. What I actually said:  "I wish nothing but the best for you!"

    What I should have said:  "You're a horrible person.  I hope you catch the clap."
  14. What I actually said:  "No offense taken."

    What I should have said:  "You're a dick.  Just because you said 'no offense' right before you say something offensive, doesn't make it any less offensive.  Still highly offensive.  Dick."
  15. What I actually said:  "I don't care, you pick."

    What I should have said:  "Holy Christ.  When I say 'I don't care, you pick', what I really mean is, 'you should know me well enough by now to know exactly what I really want.  I don't really care what you want, I want you to pick what I want.'  I'm really testing you, and you just failed.  I can't know you anymore."
  16. What I actually said:  "Yes, I've been married before."

    What I should have said:  "Ok, here's the thing...I got married for the first time when I was really young.  We were both really young.  And stupid.  Let's not forget stupid.  It didn't take us very long to figure out we did something stupid, and we rectified the situation.  Then, before the ink was completely dry on my first divorce, I was remarried.  It took my second husband and I a little bit longer to realize how stupid we were.  But, rest assured we figured it out and rectified the situation.  So, yes, I've been married, and divorced, twice."
  17. What I actually said:  "No, it doesn't bother me that you're still technically married."

    What I should have said:  "Goodbye."
  18. What I actually said:  "Yep, I have four kids."

    What I should have said:  "Yes, I am fully well aware of how that happens.  We did it *gasp* on purpose.  None of my kids were 'mistakes', they are my blessings.  And no, not that it's ANY of your business, but we're not having any more kids."
  19. What I actually said:  "I do."

    What I should have said:  "Probably not."
  20. What I actually said:  "It'll all be ok."

    What I should have said:  "Good Lord, I really hope it'll all be ok.  I mean, I don't fucking know how the future is going to turn out.  I mean, maybe you'll be ok, and maybe you won't.  How am I supposed to predict the level of okness???  What if it all falls apart and everything goes to shit, what then???  Am I then responsible for all the bad that's going to happen because I don't want to be responsible for all that!  Fuck that noise!  Look, I'm fairly certain everything will all be ok.  I mean, it should be.  I'll be here for you no matter what, if that's any kind of consolation to you.  You do have a back up plan, right???"

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