Sunday, November 1, 2015

Fear is the mother of all eff you's

I've spent a good chunk of my life being afraid. Afraid of doing something. Afraid of feeling something. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid to trust someone. Afraid of something bad happening. I've spent far too much time being afraid of people. I've done a lot, a LOT to overcome some of my fears over the years. For the first time since ever, I was starting to trust myself more, and fear less. I don't ever want to go back to being the girl who spent so much time living in fear. I want to be the strong, brave person who faces each challenge with a fuck yeah attitude and a drive to finish on top.

I was getting there, slowly, but getting there.

But it occurs to me, sometimes fear is a healthy response. A healthy fear is what keeps us from doing stupid things like poking a rabid bear. My fear has certainly kept me a safe distance from rabid bears. But I've let my guard down. I've been too complacent and not been on the lookout for rabid bears.

Foolish foolish me.

My dad once told me that it's always easier to believe the worst about a person than it is to see the good in a person. He taught me we have to look past the things we see with our eyes and hear with our ears. Not everything is as it seems. That I shouldn't jump to assume the worst in a person. As a result, I tend to see only the good in people until it's too late and I end up getting hurt. 

Sometimes we see the truth we want to see. Sometimes it's easier to believe a lie, than it is the truth. Sometimes a lie is so convincing you just don't want to believe it can't possibly be anything but the truth.

My fear is always that I won't be believed. My life reads like a horror fiction novel. I don't believe most of the shit that's happened to me in my life. Who wakes up in their bed with a car three feet from their head? 

I know I'm damaged and impossible at times and argumentative. I'm far from perfect. I'm flawed and fucked up. Probably worse than most. I don't pretend to be anything less than I am. I've faced a lot, seen a lot, and done a lot. I've experienced things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I've felt shunned and alone and carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. I've fought tooth and nail and lost a good many battle. I've failed and failed and failed some more. I've cried literal buckets. I've puked. I've wanted to quit and run away.  I've cried some more.

But I'm so much better now for those things. I've learned to fear rabid bears. I've learned that I can survive and thrive, even when it's darkest and coldest. I've learned that I can succeed, even after failing 934 times. I've learned to learn from my failures. Even if it means I keep failing. I've learned I'm strong enough to get up and keep going. I've learned I'm a bit of a whiner. But that's ok, I like cheese. I've learned that I'm a good person, even if I'm fucked up and flawed. I've learned I love to laugh, even if I don't do it as often as I'd like. I've leaned to forgive, even when the person isn't someone I want to know anymore. I've learned forgiving is more for me, than it is for them. I've learned that life is always going to be hard. Fighting to live each day isn't always easy. I've learned that it's mostly worth it. I've learned that each day is a new opportunity to live the life you want. I've learned that it's not always easy doing what's right for you. I've learned that sometimes people aren't always going to like where you're going in your life. I've learned it doesn't matter, because you need to be happy with your own life. I've learned how to be my own friend and how to like myself. I've learned that I am lovable.  I've learned to let myself love others.  I've learned to lean on my friends, even when I'm used to being the strong one.  I've learned to be humble.  I've learned I am worthy. I've learned that some fear is justifiable and acceptable and should be respected.

I've learned that life is hard, but still worth getting up and fighting for. I didn't start this weekend feeling that way. Some time to reflect and a little bit of clarity seem to have renewed my will. I don't need to be right. I don't need to be believed. I don't need to be justified.

I just need to get on with being. A friend recently saw me having a hard time at work. She asked me if there was anything I could do about it. I said no. She said then let it go. I think it's time I start heeding that advice. 

It's just not healthy to keep beating your head against a wall, expecting the wall to give way to your head...