For a good portion of the first half of my 39 years I was spoon fed the beliefs of others, and accepted it blindly. I've banked on the existence of a higher power. When I stop and think about it, really and truly give it thought, I have to admit that there are things that have happened that I can't explain away except by admitting the existence of a higher power. Now whether that is the Christian God, fate, Allah, yin and yang, Ch'i, Karma, or some other divine deity I can't say.
I believed in God, and I believed whole heartedly. I was even *gasp* religious. I know, hard to believe. But, I was young and rebellious. We'll call it "peer pressure."
I can almost without a shred of doubt pinpoint the exact moment when I started to question the existence of God. I was in a dark, dark place. My entire life had come unhinged and changed forever. Irrevocably. At the time it felt like the entire world was conspiring against me. Like some sort of synchronized choreographed dance of evil conspiracy. And it was quite clear that Karma was a dumb bitch who obviously needed GPS (except when it comes to me...home girl seems to always know where I am). I just couldn't believe that any God would so completely abandon me.
This train of thought was further fueled by a couple mythology classes that left me seriously wondering if God was nothing more than a myth.
By the way, I'm recently of the opinion that I should, at all costs, avoid any and all philosophy classes. I'm almost certain that I would never again be able to sleep. Fuck, I can't shut down at night as it is! Same goes for any class that involves human nutrition, but that's for another reason altogether. Seriously, I won't even eat Cheetos Puffs anymore. Or Fig Newtons. Makes me rather sad.
Now I'm stuck somewhere between believing in God, wanting to believe in God, believing in reincarnation (please reserve judgment, but I often wonder if Albert Brooks had it right in Defending Your Life. Seriously, please reserve judgment.), and believing we're all a bunch of random bits and nothing means anything and God is indeed a myth. A myth made up by humans in order to extend life beyond the end of our earthly existence, a way to immortalize ourselves.
I'm trying to find my believe again. It's there, I know it is.
I keep talking to Him, hoping for some sort of "proof of life". I keep searching for some sort of answer for this existence. Something that makes it all make sense. I wonder if my words are falling on deaf ears. I wonder if it's a waste of time. I wonder if I should be talking to Methuselah or Loki, instead.
Mostly I just wonder.
Man, I truly and seriously hope this isn't one of those "you just can't know until you're dead" kind of deals. That would seriously depress the shit out of me. And really, if there's nothing beyond this, then there won't be any kind of epiphanous moment following my departure...
Jesus wept, someone please tell me this shit is "normal", and not some sort of existential "I'm about to turn 40" midlife crisis! Please tell me I am not the only one who has soooo many (likely irrelevant) thoughts!!!