Wednesday, December 17, 2014

The flu is the mother of all eff you's

I hate being sick.  No, I REALLY hate being sick.  More than the average person.  Trust me.  I get all kinds of whiney and bitchy and I really like to spread that shit around.  The part that really stinks about me getting sick, is that I still have to pull mom duty.  Three out of four of my kidlets are also sick.  It started with my baby girl.  About two weeks ago we were told she had bronchitis, complicated by her asthma (asthma that hasn't been an issue in almost a decade!).  Fast forward a week and she's somehow managed to catch the flu, on top of the bronchitis complicated by her asthma.  The next one to get lucky was my other asthmatic, Stevie.  He is the only one to have received the flu shot this year, and it seems it just didn't work in stopping him from getting the flu.  Sad panda.  The next one to catch it was my Hopie.  My teenager who is missing finals week.  She's terribly torn up about it couldn't care less right now because she's all kinds of feverish and drippy.  The last in line to catch this crud is yours truly.  I have to care for three sickos when my head feels like someone has given a good twang to a tuning fork and then held it to my head. 
We are all kind of hating life right now. 
Some of us *cough the baby cough* got some really good drugs.  The rest of us got screwed.  We're all kind of eyeing the child's Tamiflu and vicoden cough syrup.  Stevie has even asked if I've learned how to calculate the efficacy of splitting one person's script for Tamiflu amongst two people.  I'm going to assume that my darling sweet child was wanting me to be the one to share the medication....Please rest assured that we are not sharing medications.  I would never, ever do that.  Especially since I haven't started nursing school yet, and my math for clinicals isn't until next semester.  :o)
We have our own personal pharmacy.
I never knew that a person could be soooo tired from doing so much nothing.  Seriously.  I woke up, moved camp to the sofa, checked on my kidlets, did the dishes, and was so spent that it was a good two hours before I could muster the strength to open my eyes again.  What the hell????  How does that even work???
I'm exhausted.  I don't think I've ever faced an in home pandemic like this before.  I've had several sickos at once before, but I can't think of a time when there's been this many, along with myself!  It's a bit overwhelming!!!  I've had to deal with quite a bit.  
In the last few days I've heard the following complaints/concerns/questions:
  • My eyes hurt when they're open.
  • My eyes hurt when they're closed.
  • My pee smells weird.
  • If I lick someone, will they get the Ebola?
  • Do they make nose plugs?  I need a nose plug to keep my snot from dripping out.
  • Why do I have to take that medicine?  It tastes like the inside of a toilet.
  • Will I die if I spit the medicine out?
  • Why did Rosie have to get us all sick?
  • Do I really have to wear a mask? 
  • Why can't everyone else wear a mask?
  • My mask smells weird.
  • Maybe if you brushed your teeth, the inside of your mask wouldn't smell.
  • Mom, can you please tell him/her to shut up.
  • Can you please tell *insert the name of offending child* to stop coughing?  My head hurts.
  • Can you please tell *insert the name of offending child* that I can't help that I'm coughing so much.  It's not like I'm enjoying this.
  • Mom, you snore so loud I can hear you in the living room.
  • Mom, you snore louder than dad.
  • Mom, can you please stop snoring so much?
I'm a bit frazzled, to say the least. 
Can't tell you how happy I am that no one is puking!!!
In my febrile state I've decided to make a list of things you simply must do if you are unfortunate enough to get sick with the flu.
1) Find Jesus.
Seriously.  There have been a few moments where I felt fairly certain I was about to meet my maker.  There have been a few times where I felt certain that if my children didn't stop fighting amongst themselves, and threatening to lick each other's pillows, that they were going to meet their makers.
2) Invest in some really nice facial tissues.
This is not the area you want to skimp on.  The Puffs Plus with lotion is my personal fave.  You do NOT want to have to blow your nose when it's raw and chaffed from the rough as bark generic brand of tissues!
3) Get Soap and Lysol.
I would think the reason behind these would be obvious.  Kill all the germs.  Get the door knobs, phones, remotes, computer mouse, your children...
4) Buy a really great bottle of cough syrup.
Now, I know there is some controversy surrounding cough syrup.  My grandfather (he was a doctor and usually was always right) said they were generally a waste of money, except for the expectorants.  But really, who the fuck wants to make the coughing worse?!?!  Me, I like mine with a level of alcohol that is higher than my vodka.  The only thing it really cures is my consciousness, but I'm ok with that.  My kids seem to really appreciate that, too...
5) Grab a fabulously soft, warm, comfy blanket.
Something light enough that you can fling it off you when your body suddenly decides to go from shivering cold to oven hot in 2.6 seconds.
6) Get a paper and pen.
This is mostly beneficial for those who are on medications, or have kidlets on meds, and need to keep track of when and what they're taking.  Don't trust your kids to keep track.  Their concept of time is ridonculous. 
7) Keep your sense of humor.
You're going to feel like death, but laughing is good medicine.  Even if you're only laughing at yourself.  
We're a hot mess.
8) Find something good to watch.
Self explanatory.  If you don't plan ahead for this kind of emergency scenario, you're going to be stuck watching infomercials and Jerry Springer type talk shows and reality courtroom shows.  Unless those shows are your cup of tea, in which case, forgo this step.  I promise not to judge you, I love Jersey Shore.
9) Get a  sick buddy.
Who wants to be sick alone???  Find someone you can tolerate and wouldn't mind being quarantined with, and lick their toothbrush. 
10) Download Candy Crush or Flappy Bird or Hulu or something to your phone.
You're going to be spending lots of time in bed and it gets boring staring at your ceiling for hours on end.
11) Find someone who is willing to come over and help.
Seriously.  Because my children feel the need to use a new cup EVERY SINGLE TIME they get a drink.  And because my children have used ALL of my forks and spoons, for the last three days in a row.  I've done more dishes in the last three days than I have all year.  They're nucking futs with this shit!  I'm exhausted and just don't have the energy to do another dish.  Or clean the up all the used tissues off my floor.  I need some help!
12) Lastly, get some sleep.
Not like I've had much choice in the matter....
I hope none of you have to deal with the flu this season, this shit is horrible!!!!

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