Friday, November 21, 2014


Well, after what's been a monumentally craptacular few months, I am finally starting to feel that things may be starting to finally turn around.  A bit.  Still no job, but I'm feeling hopeful again.  I've had an outpouring of love and help from some amazing friends this week.  I am truly grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.  It's far too easy to lose sight of all the good in your life when you're constantly bombarded with reminders that your life is kind of in the crapper at the moment.  It's easy to forget that you need to stop each day and remind yourself that you're actually doing ok and have more going for  you than you previously thought.  This week I was reminded that I have great friends, and it's time to let them back in and accept the help being offered.  Thank you to my awesome friends for being oh so awesome!

For a while now, I've been fighting a battle that cannot even be seen.  I've been waging a war on myself, fighting to be victorious over my own brain.  I've been so lost inside of myself that I now find my world has gotten rather small.  I've been nesting and making my home so warm and comfortable that I've had a hard time wanting to leave it!  Now comes the part where I need to just push through and finish this marathon session of self loathing and pity and get back to living.  Not an easy task.  Most days I long to crawl into bed and pull the blankets up over my head and ignore the rest of the world.  I am super happy to report that I have not yet done so.  I do cry, but I'm still of the opinion that crying isn't necessarily a bad thing.  You burn something like 10 calories an hour crying, so how can that possibly be a bad thing?!  Plus, it's cathartic.  Truly and seriously.  Every once in a while I find a good cry can be the best thing to fix my mood.  A good chest heaving, swollen eyes, nose dripping, ugly cry.  And thanks to some trying events of late, I've been able to have a few of those cathartic cries.

I've found myself trying to take things back to basics.  I've been reminding myself that I cannot run before I first learn to walk (ya just gotta love those tried and true clich├ęs!).  I've spent a lot of time thinking about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and how I keep trying to accomplish top of the pyramid crap when what I need to be focusing on is the base needs.  Seems logical.  I think I may have finally gotten the basics down *takes a deep breath and a bite of cinnamon roll* and am ready to move onto the next row. I feel fairly certain that I'm ready to move past this shit and get on with life.

And really, I'm not all that bad off at the moment.  Yeah, shit sucks.  We're broke.  Like, seriously broke.  I look back at decisions I've made and wish that maybe I'd been just a little more careful with my funds.  Maybe done a few things differently.  But, there's not much I can do about that now.  Time to just suck it up and move forward. 

I like to find a reason for the shit.  A purpose for it.  A silver lining, if you will.  And the last year has served as a much needed learning experience.  I'm reminded that I'm still vulnerable and need to protect myself, because there are still lying assholes in the world who are out to only further themselves.  I'm reminded that trust and respect are things to be earned, not given freely.  I'm reminded that I am just as important as the next person.  I have definitely been reminded that actions are more convincing than words.  Truly, all valuable lessons. 

In the last six or seven months, I've come under a lot of scrutiny from certain individuals who feel they are entitled to have an opinion about my life and how I live it.  I've been told that I'm doing it all wrong, that I'm failing, and that I'm useless.  I choose to reply thusly:  fuck you.  Until a single step has been walked in my shoes (and I say step because I'm not sure most people could make it a mile in my shoes) you don't have a clue what I'm going through, what I've been through, or the amount of shit I have to deal with on a regular basis.  And here's the thing...I'm still here.  I'm still fighting and soldiering on.  I haven't given up.  I haven't quit.  I have a whole lotta fight still left in me.  Do not count me out just yet.  I have started over a number of times.  Started over from scratch.  I may not be "winning", but I'm still here.  I'm like the Energizer Bunny, I just keep going. 

I'm no where near ready to give up yet.  I have a lot more fight left in me.  And with each new day, I find myself daring to hope again.  And hope does indeed give me a sense of inner strength.  With a renewed sense of hope, I can conquer anything I set my mind to. 

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