I recently wrote about turning 40, and the real reason that scares the shit out of me. I'm not so much scared of the number, as what it means.
had a hat trick of a year when it comes to losing loved ones, and the
year is only 3/4 of the way done. For me, that's a lot of loss. Two of
those deaths were younger than I am. Two of those deaths were cancer.
I'd had something of a relationship with one. I met two at work.
Worked with one. Loved all three. All three were kind, good souls.
I'm dreading losing more loved ones. I'm terrified of dying.
is only one true certainty in life ...death (if we're not counting taxes, 'cause
let's face it, you can find ways around paying taxes). We all die. Every single one of
us (except vampires, but we're going to exclude vampires for this
portion of the discussion). There's little we can do to avoid it.
At best we can only prolong it.
I recently had a thought, and
it's been gnawing away at the back of my head for a minute now. It's
one that I think I really and truly need to have answered for me. This is one for all my religious/faith driven peeps.
some tragic circumstance, why do religious folk cry when a loved one
dies??? I mean, if there is a God and a Heaven, why aren't we rejoicing
that they're there and getting to kick it with J.C. and eternally
happy??? It seems weird to me that we mourn so egregiously when we
should be happy for them. Obviously we're going to be sad for our loss
and their absence in our lives, but if there is a Heaven and it's
eternal and awesome, why do we ugly cry over the death of our loved
Please don't think me unfeeling or uncaring, in any way.
Also, I'd greatly appreciate not being judged too harshly. I have
questions. I'm having an existential thing.
I just, I
want to know. I want to understand and I want peace, and more than
anything, I want to believe. My faith has been nearly obliterated.
I've tried looking for it everywhere, but it's playing a cunning game of
hide and seek with me.