Dying is the Mother of All Eff You's

I recently wrote about turning 40, and the real reason that scares the shit out of me.  I'm not so much scared of the number, as what it means.

I've had a hat trick of a year when it comes to losing loved ones, and the year is only 3/4 of the way done.  For me, that's a lot of loss.  Two of those deaths were younger than I am.  Two of those deaths were cancer.  I'd had something of a relationship with one.  I met two at work.  Worked with one.  Loved all three.  All three were kind, good souls.

I'm dreading losing more loved ones.  I'm terrified of dying.

There is only one true certainty in life ...death (if we're not counting taxes, 'cause let's face it, you can find ways around paying taxes).  We all die.  Every single one of us (except vampires, but we're going to exclude vampires for this portion of the discussion).  There's little we can do to avoid it.  At best we can only prolong it.

I recently had a thought, and it's been gnawing away at the back of my head for a minute now.  It's one that I think I really and truly need to have answered for me.  This is one for all my religious/faith driven peeps.

Barring some tragic circumstance, why do religious folk cry when a loved one dies???  I mean, if there is a God and a Heaven, why aren't we rejoicing that they're there and getting to kick it with J.C. and eternally happy???  It seems weird to me that we mourn so egregiously when we should be happy for them.  Obviously we're going to be sad for our loss and their absence in our lives, but if there is a Heaven and it's eternal and awesome, why do we ugly cry over the death of our loved ones???

Please don't think me unfeeling or uncaring, in any way.  Also, I'd greatly appreciate not being judged too harshly.  I have questions.  I'm having an existential thing.

I just, I want to know.  I want to understand and I want peace, and more than anything, I want to believe.  My faith has been nearly obliterated.  I've tried looking for it everywhere, but it's playing a cunning game of hide and seek with me.

Losing what once was a big part of you, sucks.  I want so badly to believe, but how do you believe in something when all logic and reason tell you to do otherwise???  I'm not one to just go through the motions, so going to church when I'm a doubting Debbie isn't going to help.  I know how to pray and talk to God, I'm not a total heathen, I just don't know what I believe these days.