Dying is the Mother of All Eff You's

I recently wrote about turning 40, and the real reason that scares the shit out of me.  I'm not so much scared of the number, as what it means.

I've had a hat trick of a year when it comes to losing loved ones, and the year is only 3/4 of the way done.  For me, that's a lot of loss.  Two of those deaths were younger than I am.  Two of those deaths were cancer.  I'd had something of a relationship with one.  I met two at work.  Worked with one.  Loved all three.  All three were kind, good souls.

I'm dreading losing more loved ones.  I'm terrified of dying.

There is only one true certainty in life ...death (if we're not counting taxes, 'cause let's face it, you can find ways around paying taxes).  We all die.  Every single one of us (except vampires, but we're going to exclude vampires for this portion of the discussion).  There's little we can do to avoid it.  At best we can only prolong it.

I recently had a thought, and it's been gnawing away at the back of my head for a minute now.  It's one that I think I really and truly need to have answered for me.  This is one for all my religious/faith driven peeps.

Barring some tragic circumstance, why do religious folk cry when a loved one dies???  I mean, if there is a God and a Heaven, why aren't we rejoicing that they're there and getting to kick it with J.C. and eternally happy???  It seems weird to me that we mourn so egregiously when we should be happy for them.  Obviously we're going to be sad for our loss and their absence in our lives, but if there is a Heaven and it's eternal and awesome, why do we ugly cry over the death of our loved ones???

Please don't think me unfeeling or uncaring, in any way.  Also, I'd greatly appreciate not being judged too harshly.  I have questions.  I'm having an existential thing.

I just, I want to know.  I want to understand and I want peace, and more than anything, I want to believe.  My faith has been nearly obliterated.  I've tried looking for it everywhere, but it's playing a cunning game of hide and seek with me.

Losing what once was a big part of you, sucks.  I want so badly to believe, but how do you believe in something when all logic and reason tell you to do otherwise???  I'm not one to just go through the motions, so going to church when I'm a doubting Debbie isn't going to help.  I know how to pray and talk to God, I'm not a total heathen, I just don't know what I believe these days.

Who am I???

I'm not often curious about what makes other people tick (people generally suck and the less I know about why they suck, the better off I'll be!), but I do often wonder about what makes me tick.  Like, why do I like mushrooms and okra and broccoli., but not asparagus or olives.  Why do I have a propensity to fall for tall, left handed men (this must be some weird subconscious thing I do)?  Why don't I appreciate jazz or basketball?  Why do I sleep better when there is someone else in my bed with me?  Why do I prefer to write over typing?  These are all burning questions I'd like to get to the bottom of.

I've had all manner of psychological test in my 40 years.  Yes, my mother tested me to see if I'm crazy.  Feel free to have fun with that one.

I'm not, by the way.  Or rather, I wasn't.  I guess I could be, now...

Anyway, I recently decided to see if the psychological tests you can find online are accurate.  I did a basic google search on psychological personality tests, and started from there.  Though I did sit and laugh at some of the results that popped up.  Some of the tests were labeled "are you stressed" or "are you neurotic."  Well, duh, I don't really need a test to tell me that.

The first test I took was The Big Five personality test on PsychologyToday.com.  Apparently I'm an extrovert (You are somewhat extroverted, preferring the company of others rather than spending time alone. Extroversion refers to an outward and interactive orientation. Extroverts are stimulated by being around others and are often considered gregarious or outgoing. People with this orientation usually have a lot of friends, and find it easy to interact with strangers. They tend to feel lonely and withdrawn when denied the company of others. When extroverts feel bad, low on energy, or stressed, they look outside themselves for relief. They might go shopping, call friends to come over, or arrange a party) and scored a 96% on openness.  I always think of myself as being introverted, I'm perfectly fine spending time with just myself, so being called an extrovert was a little surprising.  However, I am fairly open person, so this wasn't too huge of a shock for me.

The next test I took was on PsychCentral.com.  This personality test, based on the Five Factor Model of personality, seems to agree with the first test about my extroversion.  I scored very high on extroversion, openness, and neuroticism.  These results told me that I have a lot of energy, have average friendliness, somewhere between well organized and sometimes distracted, I am more emotional than others, and I'm very open minded.  Okay, I can get on board with that.

Still not seeing myself as an extrovert, though.  I love being alone in my room with a good book or a movie.  I enjoy alone time!

Myers Briggs results

 Next I took a Myers Briggs type personality test, found on Truity.com.  I really found the results to be pretty interesting.  This one said that I could be either an introvert or an extravert.  Nice.  It also called me a feeler.  Seriously, I'm aware that I'm a jumble of feelings.  Not exactly news, but I did find the results to be fairly accurate and reflective of me.

Last I took a Keirsey Temperament Sorter.  I think this one may have surprised me most.  Here's what this one said:

"Idealists (NF), as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are relatively rare, making up no more than 15 to 20 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers."

I guess I don't know as much about myself as I originally thought!  I still don't quite understand myself as much as I'd set out to, but still some interesting info!  So, what kind of person are you????